


Teenagers

by thenastyloveblog



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Frikey, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-12-30
Updated: 2013-06-22
Packaged: 2017-11-23 01:09:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/616409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thenastyloveblog/pseuds/thenastyloveblog
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You said you wouldn’t leave me. You said I wouldn’t be alone again. You promised, Gee. You promised,” I whimper, fighting the stinging sensation forming in the corner of my eye. Blinking and blinking. Trying to hold the tears back, trying to force the lump in my throat to go away.</p><p>Gerard is a sensitive guy. He says it’s fine to cry, in fact, he cries a lot. It’s nothing against him. It’s people in general. I don’t like it when they see me vulnerable. I don’t like showing weakness. Some might call it social anxiety; others, specifically high school kids, would call it being weird.</p><p>WARNING:<br/>This story involves sex, drugs, alcohol, self harm, mentions of suicide, violence.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Tell Me I'll Be Fine

“Close your eyes. It helps sometimes,” Gerard says, holding me tight. “Pretend you’re somewhere else, under happier circumstances.”

He’s trying to stay strong. Older siblings tend to be the strong ones. But it’s easy to hear that he’s struggling. Why wouldn’t he be? His voice constantly breaks and shakes. I can feel every rib, every dent, every cringe of his beautiful body. And, if I’m not completely mistaken, those are warm, salty tears dripping onto my shoulder.

There’s a big knot forming at the pit of my stomach. “You said you wouldn’t leave me. You said I wouldn’t be alone again. You promised, Gee. You promised,” I whimper, fighting the stinging sensation forming in the corner of my eye. Blinking and blinking. Trying to hold the tears back, trying to force the lump in my throat to go away.

Gerard is a sensitive guy. He says it’s fine to cry, in fact, he cries a lot. It’s nothing against him. It’s people in general. I don’t like it when they see me vulnerable. I don’t like showing weakness. Some might call it social anxiety; others, specifically high school kids, would call it being weird.

Being weird isn’t always a bad thing. Gerard is weird, yet he has loads of friends.

“Mikes, that was 3 years ago. Besides, you won’t be alone. You have Frank and Ray at school.” Gee says it as if they are my friends. “And you can call me any time you want,” he continues, slowly stroking my back in a rhythmic pattern. “You’ll be okay.”

Gee and I talk about everything. He’s my go to guy. We’ve always been this tight. We’ve always had a special bond. He’s always been the popular one, the one who has friends and makes new ones. Sometimes he lets me hang out with him and his friends. I get really low sometimes. He doesn’t like seeing me depressed. He does everything in his power to keep me busy. He’s a great brother.

My mouth is dry. Extremely dry. I don’t really know what to say anymore… He’s going away, and there is nothing I can do about it. It scares me. The thought of it scares me. Being alone scares me.

But the fear of being alone is not even close to the fear of being social; actually having to interact with other people besides Gerard. He’s always been there to protect me.

The next thought that pops into my head strikes me like a fist to the gut, and, as the air whooshes out of my lungs, I whisper, “Does this mean I’ll have to go back to mom and dad?”

Gee’s expression is enough to draw the tears from my eyes. Warm, salty drops roll down my red cheeks. “Gee, I can’t go back. You know I can’t. Don’t you remember what happened? Don’t you remember their reactions!?” I cry.

Gerard tightens his grip as I feel him cringe. Sob. Weep. I hear the deafened whines coming out of his mouth as he squeezes me as tight as humanly possible. His shaky breath warms the back of my neck. I could stand here, holding him, forever. That’s all I want. I don’t ever want to let go.

But the dream of standing here forever is destroyed as Gerard pulls away, tears bucketing from his eyes. ‘I’m sorry’ he mouths, no sound escaping him.

******

The night is dark. Darker than usual I mean. Not one star is to be seen in the deep blue sky. Not one star is shining, showing its existence this mournful night. Not one star is there saying “even though it’s dark right now, somewhere there is light.” No. Tonight is dark.

Gee lay next to me, quietly. We’ve both gone empty. What do you say when no words can ever come close to explaining what you are feeling? What do you say when you don’t even understand what you are feeling?

Tears are streaming down both of our cheeks. Gee is holding me, protecting me from the evil world outside of his safe arms.

My room is more depressing than usual, darker. The cold, grey walls make me feel trapped, like I couldn’t get out even if I tried. Not that I’d want to leave. Not when Gee’s here at least.

Gerard's deep, gasping breaths are like silk stroking my neck. His deafened cries break my heart. Although we are together, I know this is the loneliest any of us have ever felt.

I can’t stop the tears from escaping my eyes, one after the other, although it feels like I went numb hours ago. It feels like something is pressing on top of my heart, forcing it down into my stomach, and making it stay there.

Here we lay, on my bed, in the dark, minutes passing like hours.

The bright, backlit clock on my nightstand says it’s 04.12am. I can still hear Gerard. I can still feel him. He’s still crying. It’s softer now, less painful. He’s still holding me just as tight.

We haven’t moved an inch since we went to bed. I feel so exhausted. After hours of staring, the blank wall in front of me is getting pretty dull. I just want to fall into a deep sleep, and dream about how things will work out. I want to forget about the rest of the world.

As I struggle to keep my eyes open, not wanting to miss out on one second with Gee, I hear raindrops land on my ceiling window. It’s a soft sound, a soothing sound, but also a depressing sound.

“Gee, tell me I’ll be fine…” I whisper subconsciously and, as I drift into a deep sleep I hear a soft, reassuring “you are fine”.

It is dark out, and it doesn’t seem to be getting any lighter. Not for a while. I don’t mind though. I’m used to darkness. I’ve been living in it the past 16 years. What’s another?


	2. Not Dead Yet

“It’s not the end of the world” Gerard states, deeply inhaling the smoke from his cigarette before slowly letting it flow out of his mouth and nose.

It may not seem so to him, but to me on the other hand.... Well let's just say it won't be easy....

The way the sun is colliding with the mountains in the distance is enough to make me tear up. There are so many different shades of red and yellow in the sky this evening. It’s almost as if the sky has caught fire. Now would be the perfect time for it to do so. If the world was to end, I’d want it to end tonight, quickly and painlessly.

This is my last day living with Gerard. This is my last night in this house. He has decided to go to art school, and he’s leaving me behind, alone. Everything is packed and ready and he’s leaving tomorrow.

I’ll have to go back to mom and dad. What will I say? I haven’t seen or heard from them in years. What does one say when there is nothing left to be said? I’ll have to go back to everything I was so pleased to leave in the past. “Yeah,” I smirk, trying to hide the shakiness of my voice, but failing miserably. “that’s what you think.”

Gee looks broken. He looks tired. He’s been this way ever since he told me he was leaving. “Please don’t do this again Mikey.” I’ve been staring at him all evening, but he can’t even look at me for more than a couple of seconds. When he does, he looks repulsed.

I’m sitting on the cold, stone railing of the steps out to the porch; He’s sitting as far away as possible. I hate that this is how it has to end, that this is how our last night together is going to be. “You’re stronger than you were back then. I need to live my own life now, baby brother.” Gee says, shifting his gaze from his shoes to the mountains. He sounds frustrated; Kind of distant. It’s cold out, for summer weather that is. That's fine though, I like cold. So does Gerard.

Birds chirp as the sun melts into the earth, disappearing completely, the moon taking its place as the only big, shining object in the sky. Gee and I have been sitting here, in this uncomfortable silence for way to long now.

My eyes drift from Gerard to the shadows in the horizon that once were mountains. What if there is a world out there, beyond this lonely hell I’m living in. What if there is a place out there where I fit in, where I feel comfortable.

I take a quick glance at Gee; he’s looking at me now, a suspicious grin on his face. “There is something beyond this you know.” His words comfort me. It’s almost as if he knows what I’m thinking. “You just need time to find it, Mikes” he reassures, yawning and stretching his arms and legs, my eyes slowly wandering back to the mountains.

Gee always knows what to say. “I sure hope so.” I’m the opposite. There’s a warm, soft hand on my shoulder. Gerard sits down next to me, shaking his jet black hair away from his greenish eyes. He grabs me, pulling me in and hugging me tightly. “I promise.”

I just kind of sit there, incapable of moving, unable to think, numb, staring off into the darkness. He notices how unresponsive I am, and slowly pulls away. “Mikes, please don’t shut down again. I need you; I just don’t need you with me.”

It hurts, knowing that you need someone more than they need you. My entire being is shaking now. The bitter feel of betrayal creeps in to my chest, like a sly snake, making my heart thump louder and louder, until it’s all I can hear.

“BUT I NEED YOU! WHY CAN’T YOU SEE THAT I CAN’T SURVIVE WITHOUT YOU?” I scream, breaking the ear wrenching silence. Gee breaks down, weeping. I didn’t mean for this to happen. I never wanted to hurt him; it just always comes out wrong. I just wanted to make my point. Why can’t I ever do anything right?

I lean over trying to pat Gerard’s shoulder, but he quickly pushes me off, covers his face with his strong hands, and runs inside. A door slams before I even have time to get up. Fuck.

“Gee, I didn’t mean to upset you.” I cry. The bathroom door is bolted shut; I can hear Gerard’s heartbreaking sobs inside. “I’m sorry.” I scream. There’s no response. Back against the door, I slowly slide down, ready to sit here all night if I have to.

“I just love you, that’s all.” I mumble.  
“I love you too, so much. I don’t want to leave you Mikes, why can’t you see that? You’re making this so much harder!” He replies, voice cracking and trembling.

“I need this! I need to follow my dream, and find myself. You’re being so selfish. I can’t save you.” I guess he’s right, about the selfish part that is. He’s been taking care of me this past year, and I’ve been way too dependent on him. He’s only 19; he shouldn't have to bear the responsibility of taking care of a 16 year old on his shoulders.

I really have been hurting him, so much. I’ve just decided to ignore it. He deserves a break. “I know.” I whisper. The door suddenly flings open, Gerard pouncing out, picking me up off the floor, forcing me up against the wall. “You just said “I know.”” He smiles.

“And?” I wonder.  
“If you know that I can’t save you then what are you still doing here? If I’m not the one who has been keeping you alive, than who has? You, baby brother, you have.” He’s laughing now, like he knows something I don’t. I don’t really understand what he’s implying, but I can’t help but be happy when I see Gee this way.

****************************

“It’s not like I’m leaving forever.” Gerard promises. It seems like he needs his comforting more than I do. “I’ll be back next summer.” Next summer, that’s almost a whole year without him. “I know.” I nervously giggle. It’s weird to think that the next time I see him; both he and I will be one year older.

The house is so empty. The moving truck has already been here, and the only things left are Gerard’s carryon bag and suitcases and my bags upstairs. “The taxi will be here to pick you up in a half an hour.” He’s tearing up now. “Ok.” I say, choked up. I clear my throat as I pull him in, squeezing him one last time before he leaves. Neither of us can stop the tears now. He wraps his arms around my hips quickly lifting me off the ground.

We stand here, holding each other, crying, for what seems like forever.

I jump at the sound of the taxy guy beeping the horn outside. Gerard pulls away, lifting his bags up off the cold wooden floor, and rushes out the door leaving me speechless, empty and cold. The shock hits me like a ton of bricks.

I hurry out the door, waving both my hands in the air, looking like a crazy person and not caring. I chase the car out of the driveway and as far as I can, but eventually, it picks up speed.

I see Gerard through the rear window waving one last time, tears streaming down his face, before they disappear around a corner. I’m left with the odd feeling of accomplishment. I'm not dead yet.


	3. Thinking Of The Past

Mom and dad’s place is quite horrible. It’s so silent and tense. There’s nothing to do, nothing to say. They did an excellent job on hiding the huge crack splitting the family in two.

There are family photos on the walls, old photos. Photos from when Gerard and I were young and innocent. Photos from before we were exposed to the real world. Before we were thrust into the unfairness of this cruel world.

The walls of my generously sized bedroom are all white. They are all empty, just like I was before I left this place. Luckily Gerard was observant enough to see that I was dying here. Slowly becoming something I was not. Slowly becoming normal, like everyone else. The world is so evil and judgmental sometimes. I was so afraid of sticking out, that I’d rather be nothing.

Luckily Gerard saved me. He showed me that there are decent people out there, people who don’t judge you for wearing slim fit jeans or all black, people who actually don’t give a shit, people who couldn’t care less about what you’re wearing, people like Frank and Ray. Too bad I’m so fucking awkward.

”Mom, dad, I’m gay.” My voice trembles, as I force it out, words choking me on the way up. My head is burning and it feels like it’s ready to explode. 

Gerard has known for a while now. He’s fine with it. My parents on the other hand…

“No you’re not.” Dad laughs, shaking his head. His eyes masking a fright I’ve never seen before. A fright you only see in movies.

“You’re just young and confused.” My mom says, quickly brushing the subject under the carpet, ready to leave it there for the rest of her life. The problem with that is that sooner or later someone will trip and fall. I don’t want that to be me. This time I’m not the one who’s going to end up hurt. “Okay, fine. I am young, but I’m not confused.” I blurt out, disgusted and hurt.

“That’s what you think Mikey. Soon you’ll find a beautiful young girl who makes you see things differently.” Mom’s soft, confident voice aggravates me. Dad just sits in his chair in the corner of our overly cleaned living room, staring at the cold wooden floor in front of his feet. “What have I done wrong?!” he slyly whispers, my insides turning and knotting in repulsion.

I’ve just been hanging around my house all day, reading some of my old comic books. I mean what else is there to do around here? I have no friends, no computer, no TV and no place to go. In one way I can’t wait for school to start tomorrow. I can’t wait to get out of this hell hole, this pit of depression if only for a few hours.

”THEY SAID WHAT!?” Gerard furiously exclaims. I can’t stick up for myself, but he sure knows how to. He’s been doing it all his life; fighting for both his and my right to be who we are. People usually respect him for that. But this, this was the last straw. Gerard rushes out of the room leaving me in a haze of shock and confusion.

This scares me so much. I’m horrified. What will they do to us, our parents I mean? All I can hear are raised voices until suddenly all is silent.

Gerard bursts through my bedroom door. I’ve never seen him this pissed off. “Pack up.” He quickly says, pointing in the direction of my closet. “We’re going to live with grandma.” He’s stressed, awfully stressed. If I could do something to calm him down, I would. “but..” before I have the time to say anything else I am interrupted by his aggravated voice. “Just do it, Mikey; unless you want to stay here alone with mom and dad.” Well I guess that settles it then. Off to grandmas we go.

Living with grandma wasn’t all bad. It could get a bit dull at times, and she didn’t care for our cursing, but other than that I quite liked it. She was always warm and accepting. She didn’t care about how we dressed, or our sexual orientation. We were still the same kids we always had been. Oh, and the food. The food was great. She was such a beautiful, kind spirited person. Man, do I miss her.

The door slams shut. I run around the house gathering all the meds I can find, knocking over photos and furniture on the way. I've gone mad. There is a familiar voice coming from outside. “Mikey! MIKEY!” I hysterically tug the bathroom door open, making sure to quickly lock it behind me.

The funeral was horrible. Not in a “they didn't do a good job” sense of the word though, rather in a “Devastating, couldn’t stop crying” sort of way.

Seeing her that one last time, knowing that she couldn't hear a word of what I was saying. Knowing that even though her body was there, she wasn’t.

Later seeing her slowly, being lowered into the ground and being buried in soil, before disappearing completely. Becoming one with the earth, like she never existed. I broke. I ran; as fast as I could, as far as I could. I ran to her, or should I say, our, old house.

The house where I’d been saved. Saved from a life of nothingness, saved from my past, and saved from my parents. I still remember the nights when she fought for me over the phone. She protected me the way Gerard protects me now. She protected me from my own parents.

”MIKEY! Mikey, don’t! MIKEY, OPEN UP THE DOOR THIS INSTANT!” Gerard screams breathlessly. He sounds terrified, but I can't do anything about it. There’s nothing left to live for now. 

“Gerard, don’t even bother. I’ll be with her soon.” I cry. I don’t want to say good bye to him, but I can’t take it anymore. I open one of the pill containers and start shoving them in my mouth, one after the other. Slowly swallowing them, gaging on some. Gerard is pounding desperately on the door. “MIKEY PLEASE!”

The room starts spinning now, and I’m getting woozy. Every movement gets more tiring, until I finally am trapped in my own skin. Exhaustion creeps up on me. I can hardly keep my heavy eyelids open anymore. I finally let go.

My head falls backwards, hitting the wall with a loud bang. So this is what dying feels like. It’s colder than I expected. I’m in a haze, drifting in and out of consciousness. It’s so quiet. It's so peaceful.

There is a blurred blob moving in front of me; hurrying back and forth. It lifts me up, to a sitting position, but I can’t feel a thing. There is no warmth where it is holding me, no tension. What is it? Is it an angel? Is it taking me to heaven? Why is it dressed in black?

Suddenly the angel is right up in my face. I can see a bit clearer now. It has a pointy nose, and greenish eyes. Oh how beautiful those eyes are. Wait a second, I know those eyes. Those are Gerard’s eyes. Gerard! It’s Gerard!

Gerard forces his finger down my throat, causing a pool of vomit to form on my lap. “Sorry.” He mouths, hugging me tightly as I think I hear muted sirens in the distance.

This is my first week back in my childhood home, and I'm already sick of it. Gerard still hasn't called me back, and I'm getting way to nostalgic and depressed.


	4. Frank

“Frank! Frank, wait up.” I yell stumbling down the overly crowded hallway, almost falling flat on my face several times.

“Oh hey, Mikes.” Frank smiles catching me as I trip on a random stranger’s foot, fly through the air, and land straight in his embracing arms. “Smooth…” He laughs, lifting me back to my feet, my face burning as I push my glasses back onto the bridge of my nose. God! That was embarrassing.

“Mikey, it’s fine, don’t even think about it.” Frank giggles comfortingly as he carefully pats my back. He’s always in such a good mood. He’s always so kind. He’s a beautiful person.

I stare at him in awe as we saunter down the corridor. “How do you do it, Frank?”

Frankie used to be only Gerard’s friend. Well, him and Ray. Frank is 17 years old. Ray is 18. The tree of them used to play in the marching band together when they were kids. Gee was kind enough to introduce us. I don’t know them too well, but from what I do know they are some of the kindest people on this planet. I can’t even imagine how they could be any nicer.

“Do what?” He wonders, cocking a brow, curiosity clearly expressed in his hazel eyes.

“I don’t know… Not care… or care…. Well care about the right things. You just seem to have everything put together, to have your life sorted out. You just seem so happy.” I stutter nervously, drying my clammy palms off on my pitch black slim fit jeans.

“Believe me; I don’t have my life put together.” He calmly expresses, smiling. “I’m pretty sure no one does at this age, but that’s fine, we have all the time in the world.” That is a valid point. I’m not the only one who’s in doubt about the future, and the thought of that comforts me. I do have time.

Gerard is good at making friends. Deep friends. Friends who understand. Frank, like Gerard, always knows what to say. So does Ray.

All of his friends have experienced pain, they’ve known what it’s like to be alone, and I believe that that plays an important part in being able to help others. Knowing what they’re going through is irreplaceable.

**

The scraping of chalk against the blackboard puts me on edge. There are low voices tossing sly comments back and forth. Blank cream colored walls surround me. They make me feel imprisoned; they make me feel unwell.

The sun leaves a shining stain on the blackboard growing bigger by the minute. There’s dust flying abound the classroom, causing people to sneeze and squint.

I wonder what Gee is up to right now? I wonder if he too is feeling imprisoned or thinking about me. I hope he’s happier than I am right now. I really do. I hope he’s having the time of his life, drawing and being creative. He has an amazing imagination.

“MIKEY! Either you pay attention or you leave. I asked you a question!” Mr. Davis yells, forcing a very familiar burning sensation to form around my eyes. My head could explode any second. “Sorry?” I choke, barely making a sound.

“So?” He continues as I feel judging glares burn into the back of my skull.

The tears willfully press on, and burst out of my eye sockets, causing me to jump out of my chair and sprint out; leaving a room filled with laughter and pointed fingers.

My heart races as I sprint down the hall, I need to get out of here. I’m never coming back. I close in on the main entrance, running as if my life depends on it. It kind of does though.

I throw my fragile body into the bright world outside of this prison they call a high school . It’s completely quiet outside, there’s not one soul to be seen. The only sound I hear is the soft summer breeze. It rustles the leaves on the trees on the far end of the concrete schoolyard. This situation is not normal for me. I’ve never skipped school my entire life. The thought sends shivers down my spine.

Suddenly I hear a whisper of a voice. “Mikey? Mikey.” Frank is peeking his head around the corner of the building. “What are you up to?” He giggles. “I didn’t know you were a shit kid.”

I’m offended. I’m not a shit kid. I have a good reason to be out here.

“Relax. I’m only joking.” Frank laughs casually. I didn’t know my expression was so obvious. I didn’t know he knew me so well. I on the other hand know nothing about him, clearly.

“What are you doing out here?” I wonder, surprised by the fact that he’s not in class.

“What? Are you going to tell on me?” He jokes, acting all macho. He’s so short and skinny so it looks quite funny.

I chuckle, as I slowly run my fingers through my silky, dark brown hair. “WOW! What was that?” Frank looks shocked. “Was that a giggle?!” He is being way to dramatic, but it amuses me, and I can’t help but let out another laugh, this time not so quietly.

Frank makes me nervous. In a good way though. Whenever I’m with him I want to show off. I’m not as shy. My hands get all sweaty, and I get so much energy out of nowhere. I like being with him a lot, and I think he enjoys me as well. He’s the only other person, besides Gerard, that I actually enjoy hanging out with, in fact I look forward to it.

The trees around us slowly sway back and forth, calmly, beautifully. Frankie has brought me to his shirk place, as he calls it. This is where he goes when he skips class. I don’t really know how I feel about that, because that must mean that he does it quite often, but on the other hand, I understand why he does it.

The way the sun weakly glimmers through the trees is amazing. This must be the most relaxing, beautiful place on this earth. I wish Gerard was here with me.

Frank is distantly staring off into the forest. “Isn’t it beautiful, Mikey?” His beautiful hazel eyes look touched, thoughtful, and maybe even sad. They aren’t shining as brightly as they usually do.

“I can’t quite… I don’t… I can’t” I stutter, left overwhelmed and speechless by my surroundings.

“I know.” He eventually says. And it really feels like he does know. Like he understands exactly what I’m feeling. I feel less alone when I'm with Frank.

He and I sit here, in the middle of the woods, for hours, just talking. Talking and laughing. Talking about shallow things. Things like our favorite colors and music. It’s nice, not having to pour your heart out every time you speak. It’s relaxing.

Whenever Frank laughs he throws his head back for extra dramatics, and eventually he lays down. I shortly follow, not caring if my clothes get dirty.

He's silent for a while, waiting for the right time. "I know you've had a tough life Mike. Gee told me. I just want you to know, i know what feeling like an outcast is like, and it doesn't matter to me if your gay. I'm here for you whenever"

My emotions go wild, leaving my head a mess. HOW COULD GERARD TELL HIM WITHOUT TALKING TO ME ABOUT IT?! Well, he was only doing it for my good. He probably knew Frank would understand... How much does he know. Does anyone else know? I hope not. Wow, but Frank took that really well, and I guess Gerard needed someone to talk to as much as I did.

A warmth spreads throughout my body, and i choke up, tears silently running down my cheeks, soaking the forest floor.

Frank continues staring intensely at the sky, not making a sound.

"Thank you, Frank. I mean it."


End file.
